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And where is it exactly? Noone knows..
We are uncertain of its location, and even its existence.
Texas, actually… on the TX-LA border, along the shores of Caddo Lake. Population 196, and yes, there’s a church there!
Are you certain about that?
If it’s like anywhere else in East Texas there are at least 10 churches.
If it’s like ANYWHERE in Texas, Caddo Lake probably had three to five super churches.
Funny story about those televised sermons. One pastor, or whoever does the “healing,” that did the big slap on the back screaming “you’re healed!” caused quite a few diabetics to die, among others who needed medication/treatment to live. After he “healed” them, he said there was no more need for medicine. Well, most of them died within a week.
IMO, super churches like those in Texas are one step from being scam religions like scientology.
I know quite a few people who would like this kind of church.
I don’t know about that….
Praise The Lord!…….Or Don’t
Praise what Lord? Who are we praising? Heck, why are we even praising someone? Why did I just say Heck? Why am I asking all these questions? Why…*goes on forever*
…*wonders why he went on forever*…
I am certain that this is not Engrish… or not. This releases the ironic snarky inner child. The puerile inner child yawned and slept in.
Anglican!
… or Angli can’t.
Are the people in this church Angelican’ts?
Anglinotsures, from the sound of it.
I am uncertain about what comment to write about this church.
While you figure it out I’m going to Church’s Chicken
Want anything?
I will have the….wait, no…..lemme see…..oooh! I know! The…..erm….never mind…..
I’ll have the Evangelic special, with extra souls. Dr handle, did you want anything?
Can I just have some chips. And a soft serve with chocolate fudge for the toilet shark.
Oh darn, they gave me little wafers instead of chips.
*runs back*
No going back towards your behind!
If he doesn’t go back towards it, we’ll be stuck with his left behind.
Yes, just so you’re not right behind.
Yes, I’ll have some bre@ast, chicken breast that is.
I’ll have what she’s having!
If you’ll want them the way I have them, we need to prep you for an op first.
Erm……no thanks……………that wouldn’t be the ‘bre@st’ idea…..
Chicken!
*eats chicken*
Q: And what’s your faith, again?
A: I’m unceratin.
Q: What do you mean by uncertain?
A: That I’m unceratin.
Q: Ugh, I think we’ve established that. But how can you be uncertain about your faith?
A: I’m not. I’m certain – I’m uncertain.
(it could go on and on like that)
Keratin (alt spelling ceratin) refers to a family of fibrous structural proteins. Keratin is an intermediate filament; when assembled in bundles, it is tough and insoluble forming hard, unmineralized structures found in reptiles, birds, amphibians, and mammals. They are rivalled as biological matter in toughness only by chitin.
All of which would suggest that your hair and nails have fallen out?
I see you are uncertain. Or not?
I’m certain that I don’t know one way or the other.
Since when did that rule apply to misspellings aswell?
It doesn’t normally, but the joke only works if you know what keratin is! At least I think it works, but I’m not sure.
Oooh, nice!!
I’m uncertain whether the joke has gone too far or not.
If your misspellings are aswell, then you may have a pregnant pause between your words.
My ex-mother-in-law would seemingly unconsciously refer to the Unitarian church were we would go for concerts as the “utilitarians.”
Closer than she knew!
I think it qualified as a Spoonerism. I never corrected her, I enjoyed it too much.
That’s more of a Malapropism, but they can be just as funny. Reminds me of the lady who said she had a cl!toris* growing over her front porch.
*clematis
BTW, we capitalize Spoonerism because it is named after a clergyman named Spooner, who was famous for making such errors in his serrmons. A mere malapropism doesn’t need to have a capital, since it is an ordinary word.
Wait a minute, what about Mrs. Malaprop?
That’s why I used the capital there, even though Mrs Malaprop wasn’t a real person. I know it’s not usually capitalised.
I think JohnB is ignoring us.
Mrs. Mal A. Prop, of Ism, California, passed away on Wednesday after a brief illness. She was known for using words incorrectly, which caused problems at the hospital, when she presented for treatment of a hiatal hernia, and was thought to have said she ate a hyena. Emergency surgery to remove the animal thought to be in her stomach proved to have fatal complications. In lieu of flowers, a donation to the United Literacy Fund in her name would be appreciated.
A Spoonerism is when you transpose the letters in two or more words to make two or more different words, especially if the meaning happens to be hilarious. (Substituting one word for another similar-sounding word is just a malapropism.) My all-time favorite Spoonerism was one a very serious newscaster recorded on a Washington, DC TV news story, in which he solemnly announced that the information he had just presented came from “a high White Horse souse.” (It was especially funny because White Horse is actually a brand of liquor, or at least it was back in those days.)
IIRC it is/was a blended Scotch.
Now that you mention it, I can recall having taken a few rides on that particular White Horse. Out of idle curiosity, I looked it up, and apparently it still is in existence, and is a blended Scotch whiskey. I seem to recall liking it, although I will confess I was much more of a connoisseur of Bourbon than of Scotch, being as I did most of my serious drinking in Kentucky, where a fine Bourbon is cheaper than a mediocre Scotch. And, by the end of my drinking career, if it was all that was around and it tasted like battery acid, well, bottoms up!
Speaking as a Unitarian, I guess this sign might work outside my church, maybe.
Heisenberg started a religion?
Cogito, ergo sum.
Non cogito, ergo…?
…bimbo sum.
None for me thanks, I’m driving!
Dim sum then ?
I’d prefer the bright sum.
Not the brightest lightbulb in the bunch!
I MUST tell you guys & gals about my boyscout years!
OK, so there was this kid in our pack, his name was Bobby. He isn’t very smrt. (It’s a long story, lemme just say this: he did something very stupid!) Our pack leader started yelling at him, and at the end he said: “Bobby, you’re about as sharp as a marble!” Bobby paused for a minute, then said “But Mr. Thompson……marbles aren’t sharp!”
Did……anybody think it was funny?
It was sharp as a marble!
…..is that good? (that was a true story BTW)
Is Uncertain the name of the town? I am certain I am not going!
faith fail
But you don’t know that!
This place is about 30 miles from me. Not much of a place, really, but pretty.
I had trouble believing it actually existed myself. There is a really cool steamboat ride there.
I don’t think I’d get on the Uncertain Steamboat.
You fear it’s just a little too close to the Fail Boat?
You won’t know if steamboat cum or steamboat go.
Ooooooooooooooooooooh
Steamboat cum or steamboat go, doo dah, doo dah,
Which it does you will not know, oh de doo day day.
Maybe cum tonight, maybe go today,
By the time you work it out, steamboat gone away.
Sweet!
Well done, indeed.
Nah, more medium-rare…
This post immediately reminded me of “The Church of the Wholly Undecided” by folk poet Les Barker. I could give a link to the text but it’s not nearly as funny as hearing him recite it with an audience.
It’s on iTunes if you care to check it out.
There is a merkin author named Flannery O’Connor who did a story named “Wise Blood” which was made into a movie by John Huston. Don’t know how much of merkin culture makes it abroad; but this is truly a fine slice of amerikana. The movie was made in the late seventies. The plot takes place immediately after WWI. Flannery O’Conner is one of our finest writers; right up there with Eudora Welty. It has layer upon layer of merkin and human nature. Both the novel and the movie are exceptional.
A shell-shocked war vet begins a new religion: “the Church of Christ Without Christ – where the blind can’t see, the lame don’t walk and the dead stay that way. And it’s all FREE! Free to anybody!”
OK, if we’re gonna get all literary and stuff:
Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen.
–Roger Zelazny’s Agnostic’s Prayer
Well, yes that’s literary.
Sounds more legalistic to me. I, hereby further referred to as the party of the first part, requests from any supreme being, henceforth referred to as the party of the second part; provided, of course, that there is some being that may be lawfully designated as supreme; notwithstanding said wherewithal in litigations aforementioned preauthorized post hoc in habeus corpus… But at any rate, I do pray that when I die, I do NOT find out that the Supreme Being is a lawyer!
My view is probably coloured by the source of the quote.
Meaning Roger Zelazny, or Htom Sirveaux?
I found the Les Barker you mentioned in a compilation on youtube; very funny!! I’d heard the iceberg thing, but the rest of his work was unknown to me. The church bit is wonderful!
Iceberg thing? I don’t know that one. Not on iTunes, apparently.
What is the YouTube compilation called? I didn’t find it or I would have given the link.
One of my favourites is his “Déjà Vu” poem.
Found the iceberg thing and heaps more! I don’t understand why it didn’t show up in a google search.
Fvck google. They’ve let me down before.
I saw a church in Buffalo, NY called “Church of the Assumption”….quite similar!
There’s an Assumption High School down the street from me. I ain’t no Christian, but I think it has something to do with the assumption of Mary into heaven. Like I said, this is all an assumption…..
Oh! This must be Joel Osteen’s church!
What do you mean by that?
You know what happens when you assume……
You make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ & ‘me’!!!
…the position.
It’s dangerous to assume the positions in the dark.
…because then you won’t hit the target?
……swing and a miss!
It’s even more dangerous to assume the positions in the dark if there’s a swinger around!
D@mn straight!
I don’t like it when things aren’t straight!
*hangs up a picture of a kitteh crookedly*
OCD kitteh is messin’ with ur pictures.
*whacks lexan D, straightens picture*
I have been to Uncertain, Tx! Its next to Marshall, creepy place.
Oh, now how can you possibly say that, LOL.
LOL! Creepy it is.
Chill. This isn’t Engrish, it’s obviously just 3rd century Skepticism making a comeback.
Finally a church that I can believe in
?