Please don’t touch yourself,
Let us help you to try out.
Thanks!
If you’re lucky, we can get close and cozy.
Submitted by: dunno source via Engrish Funny Submissions
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Well, if you insist
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It is more fun with help!
Ahh, but good help is hard to find.
It gets hard when you find good help.
Wow, that seems like a pretty sincere offer! Where is this place?
It is with the attachments selections in the vacuum cleaners section.
Do I know you? Oh what the heck, I’m on holiday…..
Looks like it’s Hammer Time again.
Are you thinking of nailing her?
If you do, be sure to nail her good!
And although guys prefer a tiger in bed, she appears to be a Meankitty.
I’m not going to nail a kitty. I saw the “no contact” claws.
I touch myself and forbid it. If you forbid it, everything gets out of whack!
*whack*
Thank you. I was all out.
I’m not sure your wife would appreciate that with a group of strange people.
And they are strange.
My wife would feel quite at home with a group of strange people. After all, she grew up in her family.
I grew up with my family, they are all pretty normal people, and yet I feel quite at home with this group of strange people hiding behind weird troll avatars.
… Dun look at me. The only thing weirder than my family is me.
The only thing weirder than your family is my family.
Hey, we should all go to the Olive Garden, because when we’re there we’re family!
Wait. Do we really want to be a family..? JohnB can be the daddy. We’ll need a mommy(Bluejade or Dr Handle). I can be a daughter, and SS can be my little brother. Uncle Droll an Paws can visit. My cousin LexanD….
Ok, it’s starting to get a little creepy, let’s just be friends.
I’ll be JohnB’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roomate!
Where do I come into the picture?
I don’t know how old you are so I don’t know if you would be one of the adults or the children.
That will depend on which way you’re facing when you touch yourself.
Can I touch you, please? I help you try out?
Try out for what? The Assisted Masturbation Team?
A guaranteed ratings win for the Olympics.
Synchronised fapping?
Yes, with shiny costumes and music!!!
Those are not legs sticking up out of the water…..
There she/he blows!
she/he?! :O
They get double points for synchronized ejaculation.
With backing music by The Beatles. You know which song!
*scans through his library* We don’t we do it in the road, or Happiness is a warm gun
Nope. “Come Together”.
Come on is such a joy.
I wonder how the qualifications for that would be judged?
Or who would do the judging?
Well, obviously you’d have the speed events and the endurance events. And I think judging could be done by virtually any group of teenage boys.
No, the judges would have to be some old nuns who look on disapprovingly….
It would take a world class frap to compete then, no amateur frapping
Just think “leather nuns.”
Those that do it rong get their hands smacked with a ruler?
Some of them may find this…motivating.
Then we handicap those guys with “leathery nuns.”
In between marriages I actually dated a nun for a while. She was obviously having some ambivalent feelings about her vocation, and eventually did leave her order for the secular life. She and I were both in our 30s, so she had a long, long background of pent-up desire, so even though I worked hard to take things slowly, she was a smoldering volcano. And there was certainly nothing at all leathery about her.
I expect you were in-nun-dated.
‘bone’ appateat!
Doesn’t sound too ‘hard’. Our …helpers… are the ‘cream’ of the crop!
*CLONK*
Will you stop that! You are not certified to clonk people!
Although clonking enough people is quite likely to get you certified.
But……..I tried SOOOOOOO hard to get the role of the DPH (part time), and HE walks in, and clonks people, without permission!
He was, I believe, more or less accepted by the DPH fairy as an apprentice. I think all you have to do is ask.
Besides, I think a *clonk* is a badge of honor, but only when received from an official DPH Fairy or Designee. I have a chest full of *clonk* medals. And, of course, albums of pictures from my visits to Dreadful Pun Hell.
And BTW, don’t miss La Conejita’s video of us cutting a rug down there. If you can’t get it to work, try adding a slash at the end. It worked for me.
Can you provide the link? I don’t know where it was posted.
I can’t recall which pic it was posted under. La Conejita, can you help here? She put in spaces you have to take out, but it wouldn’t work until I put “/” at the end, and then it worked like magic. It’s very creative and funny.
Because the public asked for it.
Here’s the video, click on my name.
I shall wear it with honor. v.v
I DID!
Well, you’ll need to talk to Dr. Handle about that. I’d be glad to take you on as an apprentice Dreadful Spelling Sprite, but I think that’s not as much fun, probably.
I was just more accepted as a more or less official clonk’er.
*writes on notepad:delusional*
Uh, you were saying? Please continue.
No really, look back to the post where dr. handle defends me after JohnB strikes me down for almost clonking someone!
Or look at the post above where I acknowledge that apparently jinxed had been taken on as an apprentice.
Yes, I know.
I said delusional because he said he was accepted as a more or less OFFICIAL ClONKER. I think he is more like an apprentice working hard to earn his fairy wings.
Well, some of the finer points, like discrimination, have obviously yet to be learned.
CAN ANYBODY SEE MY FRUSTRATION? I WANT TO BE CLONKED BY THE GENUINE DPHF, AND SHE WON’T CLONK ME IF JINXED TAKES CARE OF THE CLONK FOR HER!!!! JINXED CLONKS THE NOT-SO-DREADFUL PUNNERS, SO WHEN HE CLONKS ME, IT IS NOTHING! THEN I NEVER KNOW IF MY PUN WAS TRULY DREADFUL OR NOT!
Calm down. Dr. H has not been around much lately, so I’m sure she just hasn’t had a chance. For what it’s worth, as one of the most recidivist Dreadful Punners, I think your pun was quite Dreadful. But I don’t clonk anyone.
I agree with JohnB’s comments. Calm down and try to be more consistent. (Not easy when you’re young, I know). I have to admit I missed your pun, which was quite clonkworthy!
Er… well, maybe, but… where have your hands been, good sir?! Wash them first! And the rest of you! For that matter, use lye soap!
We already did! Honest! Would I lye to you?
*clOnk* (In case you are wondering why the o is capitalized, I can’t just go around saying *clonk* all the time because wordpress will tell me that I “Already said that”
Take the hint. You’re saying it too often.
Yeah! Stop clonking people, you imposter!
Well, the clonks are supposed to be for Dreadful Puns, not any old random comment that you find dreadful. The above item was a pun, and it certainly contained a degree of dreadfulness, but other times you seem to have clonked when no pun was in sight.
Two clonks in one day? I seem to be in luck. I shall honor my badges of honor by wearing them with honor. v.v
Could you give me a hand here? And here… and here…. and OH YES! THERE!
Zen question for today: What is the sound of one hand fapping?
Hmmm…. That’s a hard one…
Well, if it takes two hands, you’re handling a whopper!
Yuck, mayonnaise everywhere! Let’s get a different table.
Thats not mayonnaise…..ewww…….
The other table seems to have some ranch dressing.
I bet it was dressing for the hidden valley xD *clonks himself*
well I sure hope so, otherwise it’s right off to the special oh-limp-ics.
and as for the zen question: it’s probably “fap fap fap fapfapfapfap aauuuurgh”
…that actually sounded painful.
For some older men, it may be. Try not to get a visual image here
*jinx!*
…perve..
There’s only one ‘e’ in ‘perv’…
Wait, maybe he’s finnish and trying to say hello? perve ~ terve? Terve is hello in finnish also it means good health so dunno for sure.
Nah… Probably just missed a letter when he lopped off the ‘r’ and the ‘t’.
yourself is used as an intensive not a reflexive pronoun. therefore i means, please do not touch the merchandise yourself. not please do not touch your own body.
Just laugh, you know you want to…here let me help you with that. *grins*
I don’t want, anybody else. When I think about you, I touch myself.
“Welcome to Perverted Airlines, would you like a bag of nuts?”