Feeling lucky?
2 Rolls Google(R)
2 Ply Bathroom paper
100% Virgin pulp
Google(R)
Submitted by: GMMan via Engrish Funny Submissions
Found on creaders.net
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Cheezburger Network Blog
Web Page Language Translator.
I keep finding porn when I look at it. German porn. German…. oh nvm
Google TP .. for people who always thought it was shiite.
When the last piece comes out clean, you can shout “Yahoo!”
If you’ve just used the last piece and it’s still not clean, I guess then you just murmur, “Bing.”
But then you look out the Windows and realize its snowing.
Hey look, a dogpile!
I like Dogpile, it finds stuff unacceptable to Google.
I guess it’s Alta (la) Vista baby!
Not yet, i have to go Ask someone somthing.
I THINK ILL ASK JEEVES!
The answer is NO.
But i asked if you wanted to play Duck Duck Go?
MO!!!
Heh…..mo………I meant to say no…….
What am I? Blackle?
Or if you’re rich, you can Ask Jeeves to fetch some more…
What’s for those who are sunni?
It’s true. There’s lots of crap on Google.
You can see it if you use your brownser.
The software is good at finding and fair at organizing. The contents aren’t just garbage anymore but pure crap. SISO.
Why the f*ck are they pulping virgins? What a waste!
Ah, my friend, you are too gullible! How do you know they didn’t f*ck them before they pulped them?
Because then they wouldn’t be virgins anymore.
<_< Thats the point. This search eng.. i mean toilet paper may not be legit.
How do you mean? Every square has a picture of Jerry Yang on it.
Why is Jerry’s wang on every square?
It’s probably some nefarious scheme by extremist islamists, intended to keep up a steady supply of virgins to their suicide bombers.
Mind you, it doesn’t specify that they’re all female virgins, or that they’re necessarily attractive. Some of those dead terrorists might get a bit of a surprise in the afterlife…
You mean seventy year old virgins, as opposed to seventy virgins?
that and seventy sex-assorted virgins. The afterlike is also like a box-o-chocolates…
Would that be seventy-year-old virgins or seventy year-old virgins?
Since there dead, does it really matter? and both
I can’t see blowing myself up for a crack at either.
This is the point, it doesn’t seem to specify. Possibly a bit of wishful thinking going on. If I was a suicide bomber, I’d be wishing for 72 surgeons, then they could spend the afterlife ferrying me around in their expensive cars to expensive restaurants and buying me expensive clothes and funding my expensive hobbies while not having any time actually to spend with me. Plus, they could sew me back together again.
Win.
Its 72 Prunes!
The Complete Military History of France
- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]
- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.” Sainted.
- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
- The Dutch War
- Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”
- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be “Can we count on the French?”, but rather “How long until France collapses?”
“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage.”
Or, better still, the quote from last week’s Wall Street Journal: “They’re there when they need you.”
With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the following losses:
Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France’s [favour] for next 500 years.
Andrew Ouellette posts this in response:
1066 A.D. William The Conquerer Duke and Ruler of France Launches the Largest Invasion in the history of the world no other was as large until the same trip was taken in reverse on June 6th 1944 William Fights Harold for the Throne of England Which old king Edward rightfully left to William but Harold Usurped the throne Will fights the Saxons (English)wins and the French Rule England for the Next 80 Years. then the French start the largest building and economic infrastructure since the fall of the Roman Empire the Norman Economy skyrockets and the Normans inadvertantly start England to become a major world Power Vive La France-
Matt Davis posts this in response to Andrew Ouellette above:
Oh dear. We seem to have overlooked some basic facts. Firstly, Philip the First (1060 – 1108) was King of France at the time of the Norman invasion of 1066 – William was Duke of Normandy and, incidentally, directly descended from the Vikings. William was, therefore, as alien to France as the experience of victory. Since Philip did not invade England, the victory at Hastings was Norman – not French. Normandy may be a part of France now but it most certainly wasn’t in 1066. Therefore, William’s coronation as King of England had nothing whatsoever to do with the French. As usual, they were nowhere near the place when the fighting was going on. The mistaken belief that 1066 was a French victory leads to the Third Rule of French Warfare; “When incapable of any victory whatsoever – claim someone else’s”.
Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico’s weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier (“Halls of Montezuma”). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.
Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.
Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.
Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.
India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming than French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine…). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.
Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France’s solution: pay them to leave us alone. America’s solution: kick their asses (“the Shores of Tripoli”). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.
1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.
Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.
French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):
1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was “Kill them all. God will know His own.” Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.
St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.
Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.
Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.
[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.
Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.
Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:
Seven year War 1756-1763
Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).
Richard Mann, an American in France wants to add the following:
The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for ‘leading’ said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.
Preemptive strike?
Not really; that page is called to my mind every time someone mentions Google and “Do you feel lucky” together. Type “French military victories” into Google, and hit the “Do you feel lucky” button rather than “search”.
I’m feeling blocked. By the Commonwealth of Kentucky!
Poor France, really all they’ve had is “la gloire”, which is a French word meaning “chronic military disaster”.
1123581321345589
3.1415926535
Apple or cherry?
Kidney.
Yeech!! Now DNT or Poodle Groomer are going to say it’s delicious.
I’ve never tried it.
Don’t think I want to, either.
Hey, Teacher, leave those kidneys alone!
Don’t touch any other parts of their legs, either.
No, it’s really offal!
It is high in minerals and the dog loves them.
3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679
8214808651328230664709384460955058223172535940812848111745028410270193852110555964462294895493038196
4428810975665933446128475648233786783165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273
724587006606315588174881520920962829254091715364367892590360011330530548820466521384146951941511609…
You may have Fibonacci’s number, but you don’t have mine!
6.02214179(30)×10^23
Approximately.
You cad! When we started dating, you said you’d burned your little black book! I guess you memorized the contents first!
144233377!
Paws,
You’ve been holding it for so long that now you just had to burst. Wikiburst, that is.
That’s not a page from Wikipedia!
But it still activated the Invers Ordinal Post Rule.
My e fell off!
Then why doesn’t your name say Mowth?
Because that stayed on!
e
So the ‘e’ cloned itself then fell off?
Sort of an e, e comings.
dreadful pun hell fairy gives you a clonk clonk for that dreadful pun you can now go to
dreadful
pun
hell
off
you
go
Not an e e oncomings?
He’s the poet of the new generation. He writes poems primarily about masturbation.
He’s the one who likes to play around with his metre.
He writes playful limericks.
Of course not! Too entertaining.
ok thankyou
So is it watching you?
Yes, of course it’s watching you on the very lowest level.
Just google it.
You’ll always find corn when you use this!
LOL!
I’m feeling yucky!
If your parakeet doesn’t eat your ___, use Google.
But I always get crappy answers…
And they have no depth. They’re tissue-paper thin.
Screw it. Google can kiss my a**.
That should bring an interesting new sensation to wiping!
By making it enjoyable! Especially when it gets stuck!
You’ve got some issues. I mean, you’ve got some tissues stuck.
I think I’ll turn to yahoo for help.
Official toilet paper in Yahoo! HQ ?
I’ve seen this before. Was it already on this one? Or on failblog, or something else?
Deja blog.
in this country you never see “100% virgin pulp” – it’s just not a selling point – instead you see “100% recycled”. I guess the preference depends on whether it’s your forests getting trashed or somebody elses.
This bothered me too. It surprised me they were bragging about this; there is a real difference in values here.
What you want to look for when something says “recycled” is the the percentage that says “post consumer.” That means is has actually been used for another purpose. Merely saying “recycled” can literally mean the same batch of pulp was run through a vat twice.
I suspect that in some countries, something made of post-consumer materials may not be of as fine a quality as something made from scratch. And for TP, where one of course wants a soft and sanitary experience, using brand-new materials might be a good selling point. I’m imagining, for example, toilet paper made from used sandpaper…
I’m sure the quality of tp made from recycled is up to the job. I suppose the ultimate is recycling would be to simply go back to using the Sears catalog.
I guess I could start saving my junk mail.
The TP that I use is made from recycled paper. It’s soft and strong. I believe they use office waste, from the bins in photocopier rooms.
Google: the new walmart!
With added wet virgins? maybe beaten… batter, curd, dough, grume, jam, marrow, mash, mush, pap, paste, pomace, poultice, sarcocarp, semisolid, soft part, sponge, triturate
I don’t see the engrish here. Google is a foreign brand name, and “100% Virgin Pulp” means that it contains no recycled material.
Laughing at this is like laughing at the bottle of extra virgin olive oil.
The mere fact that Google is a brand name–in fact, THE brand name–for an internet search engine familiar to all of us, but is being used in another country as the name for a brand of toilet paper, is, obviously, not funny in the least. That 71 people have left comments suggesting they are amused by this means absolutely nothing, Sam, you’re absolutely right. I’ll go laugh at the bottle of extra virgin olive oil in the kitchen cabinet now…
Or, to put it in a more direct and less sardonic manner, GET A SENSE OF HUMOR, SAM!!! LEARN TO LAUGH!!! AND IF THIS SITE, THESE POSTS, OR THESE COMMENTS DON’T AMUSE YOU, FIND SOME PLACE THAT DOES!!! THIS IS A GREAT, BIG INTERNET!!! NO ONE IS FORCING YOU TO STAY HERE AND READ THIS STUFF!!!
For a while there, I could of mistaken you for a troll.
Seriously??
Corollary #356 of Murphy’s Law: Whatever one says, no matter how clearly, there will be someone who interprets it in a manner that not only is not at all what one intended, but is something one would never say, even in jest, while grossly intoxicated on five different substances simultaneously, and with a mouth full of rocks and sawdust.
Heheh!! Virgin olive oil! Not for long, babe!!
The label says it’s virgin olive oil, but I can’t see the cherry.
Plus, olive oil can be very slippery that it’s hard to believe it’s still a virgin.
I could see how slipperiness might actually help preserve virginity, at least in some circles…
Next time there’s a power outage this could be used an an alternative search.
Hmm, with the stormy winter weather coming up, maybe I should stock up.
Here in Kentucky, we had a terrible ice storm last year that kept me trapped in the house (better there than trapped at work, but not a whole lot!) for nearly a week, so I’d suggest stocking up on all sorts of things!
LOL… I can read the Viet part and it said something on the lines *”Its flexible, very soft, very fresh and we care my friend”…. that is just as weird as the Engrish…
*very very rough translation
It’s flexible, very soft, very fresh, and it cares? I don’t want to wipe with it, I want to date it!
John, I thought the Japanese men dating pillows really had problems. When I mentioned this, you responded by saying you’ve had worst dates.
NOW I BELIEVE YOU!
Dating when you’re young is generally made miserable by one’s own feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and uncertainty. Dating in middle age, following a divorce, is generally made miserable by the fact that most first dates, no matter how they are arranged, usually end up being with an alcoholic, psychopathic, pathologically lying, inbred alien, who grew up in a barren hollow of Zeta Reticuli, with three sexually abusive parents, two dozen physically abusive siblings, who has had at least 17 relationships with psychotic people, six of whom they were married to, including three simultaneously, and one of whom they just recently separated from, and might still be married to, who usually shows up about halfway into the date, if you haven’t slipped out the bathroom window first.
Where did Cornholio go? Wasn’t he looking for TP for his bunghole?
Where has old Cornholio gone
TP searching,
Where has old Cornholio gone
Bunghole to wipe?
Where has old Cornholio gone
TP for his bunghole, anyone?
When will he ever wipe,
When will he ehhh-ver wipe?
It’s the latest accessory for the Google TISP project.
Did the nanites deliver it to you?
Handy if your searching for cling-ons.
I usually try to give Klingons a wide berth.
I like the copyright mark at the end of the logo