PLEASE DON’T THROW TOILET OR ANY KIND OF PAPER TO THE TOILET
Submitted by: ines via Engrish Funny Submissions
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8th!
2987th!
I’m experienced in the treatment of dissociative identity disorder, in case you’re interested in achieving integration.
ME!!!
WE DID!!!
Then how am I supposed to flush the toilet, if I can’t flush it down the toilet?
Even with toilets, a flush beats a pair.
I would never play poker with toilets. They’ve got such good poker faces, and even if I won, I seriously doubt I’d want to cash in the chips!
Go all in with the urinal cakes.
Yes, yes, throw cake into the urinal!
My brother manufactured urinal cakes. I know a lot about them.
The (urinal) cake is a lie.
Would someone enlighten me as to the nature of the lie cakes? I always thought lie was a type of harsh laundry soap…
Don’t ask me. I’m just the catcher in the lie.
And a very p!ssy lie it is!
That must work really well as a conversation starter at parties!
Can’t throw the tolet. Can’t throw the pool..Not much fun around here!
Of course, it says you can’t throw TO the toilet. We had a similarly coordination-deficient toilet on here just recently, IIRC.
Yes, it was July 14, and the list of things that one should not throw to the toilet included:
Menstruation briefs !
Menstruation stopper !
Metal parts !
Plastic bags !
To this list we can now add toilets and paper. I can certainly see the logic of not throwing a toilet in the toilet, but paper–that’s getting a little picky. But we recently learned that in some countries the wastebasket is the proper disposal place for used toilet paper. I’m sure that makes for pleasantly fragrant bathrooms…
Throwing ice-cream into the toilet is completely acceptable. *circles the bowl hopefully*
JohnB… think ‘Monsters Inc.’ and the scents of odorant cans they had. Doesn’t it make more sense now? *giggles*
No.
Its only short of a comma and an ‘in’ to make it a valid sentence … its passable, but not high scoring
Correction: “PLEASE DON’T THROW TOILET, OR ANY KIND OF PAPER IN TO THE TOILET.”
However it’s slightly awkward wording i must admit.
woops, missed the second comma:
“PLEASE DON’T THROW TOILET, OR ANY KIND OF PAPER, IN TO THE TOILET.”
See, anyone can do it
Don’t throw the toilet in the toilet? Makes perfect sense to me, too. You can demonstrate this easily for yourself by sitting in your own lap.
No. Don’t throw the toilet anywhere. Especially not into another toilet. And it’s absolutely out of the question to throw those two toilets into a third toilet.
You can kick or push the toilet, and you can gently push the paper towards the toilet, you just can’t throw paper to the toilet.
I loved your comment “you can gently push the the paper towards the toilet.” What a kinder, if somewhat stinkier, world we’d live in if we gently pushed the paper toward the toilet. It’s like offering a ravenous, but sensitive, god a toilet paper sacrifice.
I still think ‘push’ might be too harsh of a word, and certainly no paper should be ‘thrown’.
What if we ‘urged’ the paper to go in the direction of the toilet.
How would you urge the paper to go there? Threaten to beat it with a blunt excrement?
Threats are not gentle! I’d suggest a little rhetoric. For example, if you inform the paper that the whole world is going down the toilet, I’m sure it would be glad to beat the rush.
Please reassure the paper that toilet sharks are not paperivorous, and that it will not be eaten, or interfered with in any way, but will be allowed to proceed undisturbed on its journey through the plumbing.
As long as it does not get between the shark and ice cream. In that case, all bets are off.
May I speak now?
NO!!!
“Guide” is a word we who work with mentally handicapped individuals often use for procedures that involve some physical contact withouth raising issues of coercion.
Damn you are sneaky, JohnB! Hats off!
32 years of trying to help people, despite federal, state, and agency regulations that seem designed to make that impossible, has taught me well!
Brain: Pinky… are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Pinky: Yes, brain, if we petitioned enough signatures, Toilet Tossing would quickly become the greatest Olympic Competition in history.
Brain: No, no, no. We have stumbled upon an untapped new industry, the Disposable Toilet! We play to the fear of unseen infestations and their disgust of cleaning. Use it once and throw it away. Keep several handy for work, school, and family vacations. Don’t forget to buy the 24 pack for the weekend. We’ll be kings of industry! We can take over the world!!!
Might I suggest that “Global Disposable Toilet Enablement” will sell better than “World Engrish Domination” as a PR line?
Are you available for VP of Investor Relations?
If you think my qualifications for confusion, concealment and euphemism are adequate (after all, I do speak Defence Bullsh!t like a native) I’d be happy to give it a go. So long as I get a nice office. With a pot plant. And a jar of pens. And a new keyboard would be nice (this one is pretty jammed up with cake crumbs). And hot and cold running PAs.
Good. Good. Stay under budget in your personal digression fund and everything is OK. It is a small company, so I can hire your husband for your personal security. He’ll report to my director of security, Faye Valentine. She has some of the best qualifications I’ve seen.
I digress. Be discrete and under allocation with your discretionary account.
I want a digression fund!
A digression fund is taking your credit card to a back to school sale in a mall with a 12 year old.
I’d call that a regression fund.
Poor toilets, now we can’t let toilets breed with each other anymore. I take that back, poor next generation for not having any toilets anymore!
Well, if they’re too romantic they might get a ladyboy toilet, so perhaps it’s best to keep them apart.
Don’t worry. I’ve been looking all over the hardware store and can’t find anything that would work as effective contraception. Toilets happen.
And it’s a good thing, too! We must consider habitat for future generations of toilet sharks. Think of the children!
What, like a bidet?
There you go!
No, that’s not where you go. It’s for cleaning up after you go!
Never having used a bidet (yes, I’ve led a sheltered life of no privilege), I can’t say I know, but I thought that upon a bidet one went and then cleaned up.
I’ve only seen pictures of bidets, (including the one in “Crocodile Dundee II”) but I get the impression the toilet and bidet are 2 different porcelain constructions. I’m pretty sure the bidet bowl is fairly shallow, with a drain, but no standing water in the bottom of it.
You may be thinking of retrofits such as the Washlet, which was posted here a while ago.
A bidet is indeed lower than a toilet, as you are supposed to wash your lower body in it. It has a tap.
>throw toilet
You give the toilet a hefty throw.
Into a Hefty bag?
What? Nothing about tampons and sanitary napkins? Or midgets?
Am I wrong about the 2nd line of Spanish?
Since you don’t tell us what you think it means, we really can’t tell!
If you read this page from the bottom to the top, it makes more sense.
Not reading this page at all would probably make the most sense!
Wrong! Laughing makes the most sense and this page as well as this site (excepting the Pedobear debate) makes me laugh. I haven’t laughed this hard since I read David Sedaris’ “Jesus Shaves”.
And I had to read that on the toilet.
Oh, I wasn’t meaning to imply that reading this page is not beneficial at all. I merely meant that reading this page does not make a lot of sense, logically speaking. That’s why I find so much Zen in humor, because the best humor always is pricking holes in our precious logic, ever reminding us of the absurdity of our condition. In my estimation, therefore, humor is ultimately a most holy pursuit, a boon for our condition and a way of seeing beyond the immediate concerns. Like good blues music, humor has the power to transform our pain into a wise and knowing acceptance of what is, regardless of our political views and religious persuasion, or lack thereof.
The wee hours of the morning, if I stay up for them (rather than waking up at them!), always seem to have the power to turn me philosophical…
What about the whole finger into the toilet ?
Flipping off Toilet Sharks is a risky business!
Especially if you’ve been eating ice-cream.
Your whole finger could become a hole finger.
Oh, it can, but not in the way you meant!
How do you know which way I meant it when I don’t know which way I meant it?
Those kids have been playing toilet basketball again, haven’t they? The little beggars…
It’s not saying don’t throw the toilet. With proper commas added it says:
PLEASE DON’T THROW TOILET(,) OR ANY KIND OF(,) PAPER TO THE TOILET
Meaning don’t throw paper into the toilet. It’s a septic system and you’ll clog it.
They do get demerits for improper prepositions though.
Improper prepositions, you say?!? In MY day it was improper propositions. Good old Lothario.
What about Preposition H?
Or Proposition H. After A (Want to fly to Rome for a dinner tonight?) through G (Let’s just get really, really high and see what happens.) don’t work, you can use Proposition H: Hey, c’mon babe, you’d look really fine naked on the back of my Harley.
Not guaranteed to work, though.
But I do think Proposition H would be more conducive to love-making than California’s recent Proposition 8.
think we all got the general concept of what the sign was saying
In spite of our earnest efforts to avoid doing so.
Is it okay if I use the trebuchet?
Just wonderin’.
Oh great, now you want to throw a trebuchet in the toilet too?!? Or did you want to use the trebuchet as a toilet? Or maybe as toilet paper?
It’s getting a bit confusing at this point o.O
Since we can’t “throw” the toilet I just figured flinging it for a few miles might be okay.
That kind of “bowling” could get you banned from cricket for life!
Well darn :[
How about using a mangonel? Or a scorpion?
I wouldn’t advise wiping with those.
Can I get out first?
You have My blessing, dr shark. Now if someone could just urge, guide, gently push or THROW that bit of sacrificial toilet paper over here before the broom brigade arrives?
*circles respectfully* Come on, come on, somebody sacrifice the sacred paper! Incur not the wrath of the Toilet Goddess!
Holy crap, I’ve turned into a human!
Holy crap, indeed!
Oh thank you mighty Toilet Goddess for turning me back into a toilet shark, I tried being a human briefly, and it was *dreadful*. Circling is considered odd behaviour, and the teeth are far too fragile to be any fun. I don’t know what that stupid little mermaid was thinking.
What about holy carp??
That’s wholly crap.
I don’t believe in the existence of Holy Crap.
If I was being rude, I could suggest reading one of the many books that claim to relate The Word Of God, What God Wants Us To Do and Why Our Version Is Right…
It’s the human beings with their lack of compassion, empathy, respect of others that turn those books into arbitrary must-do ideologies. Taken with a dash of historical perspective and the concept of using what you can and leaving the rest, those books can remind us of what life on earth is supposed to be: living for the good of others and the connection to a Power greater than ourselves.
Sorry for the not funny – and of course you have the right to like or dislilke those books and their respective religions just as you find necessary.
And I’ve never known you to be rude. Incisive, clear, with a sharp wit and intellect but not rude ever.
if you throw the toilet into the toilet, it creates a self-containing set…
Indeed! You may be on to something here. Next thing you know, we’ll all have Mandelbrot toilets.
I hope we won’t have to crap fractal patterns!
Those embedded Julia sets might cause trouble!
Oh yes, especially all the little crinkly pointy bits around the edges *shudder*.
Ouch!! That could cause the throwing of a few toilets, as well as teeth marks in the edge of the door!
Nobody mentioned it yet, but the second line of Spanish has to mean “sanitary towels”, doesn’t it? They don’t belong in any toilet! They could get caught in a Toilet Shark’s teeth.
Well, surely the Toilet Shark doesn’t prefer UNSANITARY towels???
It depends on how they became unsanitary – for example, if some child has dropped an ice-cream on the floor, and a nearby adult grabbed a towel to wipe up the ice-cream, and then dropped the whole thing into the toilet, I’d be perfectly happy. Mind you, dropping even a hand towel into a toilet could bung things up considerably.
As for “sanitary items”, all I can say is, well, we should be thankful that toilet sharks never has PMS.
If toilet sharks had PMS, they would still keep circling, undeterred. Or something that sounds very much like that.
TOILET SHARKS DOES NOT EVER HAS A PMS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey! I read the entire Spanish sentence without having to look anything up. Maybe I’m not senile yet after all…
(But shouldn’t the last sentence say “…a el inodoro.” Or maybe “…al el inodoro.”? Just asking.
Not if spanish is like french. Al is a contraction of “a + el” because you can’t pronounce two vowels in a row.
Obviously, you’ve never heard Hawaiian being spoken.
Or had a paella
Though with common language roots, I must agree with Crumpet.
Ok so maybe “can’t” should have been commuted to “latin language users are lazy in their speech habits”. Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, does it?
We’s all lazy ’bout them talkin’ habits, y’know?
No it is correct.
My reference? Portuguese-Spanish relations.
Sorry, sometimes I get a little carried away when I relieve myself
That’s odd. When I relieve myself, it’s what comes out that is carried away!
Your toilet must have some kind of super-flush; perhaps a Bloody Stupid Johnson design.
It’s a Toto Washlet. It carries you away in complete refreshment.
No joke: a friend just e-mailed me survey results from Amsterdam. 88% of the people surveyed ranked going to the bathroom as their most pleasant activity. Even secks was several notches down the list. My only comment is that this may show the hazards of legalization of marijuana!
For some people, I suspect it’s the only place where they can get a moment of peace and quiet and privacy. And possibly an opportunity to look at the cryptic crossword. Unless you have small children, of course, in which case I’m told you have no privacy at all in toilet, shower or anywhere else.
How many people actually throw toilets to the toilet? And if you can’t throw paper to the toilet, who am I supposed to toss my paper airplane to, the sink?
Obviously, you toss your paper plane to an airplane toilet! Then you wait to see what gets thrown back.
I don’t think I’ll be waiting around to see what an airplane toilet throws back…
Well, first you’ve gotta get that paper plane up to 30,000 feet or so, so I wouldn’t worry about it too much.
Just don’t eat that blue snow…
Never underestimate the power of a paper jet engine.
I’ve seen this sign! It was on a toilet in a restaurant in Vina del Mar, Chile
Well, im spanish, the problem is with the translation:
Please do not throw any towell or paper into the toilet will be the correct one, or, at least, it what it says in spanish.
Toilet safety required.
This absolutely bizarre even when you take their obviously intended meaning: “don’t throw any kind of paper into the toilet, including toilet paper”. One wonders what the hell kind of weak-assed toilets they have there, as well as do they have a waste-paper basket on hand for used toilet paper?
I like your blog. I’ve added it to my favorite bookmarks and subscribed in a reader.
Looking forward to reading more.
Thanks.