Snorkling Like Sex
The first time you try you are nervous — but it's still the best thing you've ever tried . . .
The more you do it the better it gets.
As you do it with more people you learn new techniques.
With experience you can do it longer and more fun.
If you enjoy sex you'll love snorkelling
Submitted by: JessieAdair via Engrish Funny Submissions
Source: Sign on beach at Perential Islands, Malaysia
-
-
Copy & paste this:
oh – my – freaking – god.
I am speechless.
Mostly because i am out of breath because of laughing so much.
“The more you do it the better it gets.
As you do it with more people you learn new techniques.
With experience you can do it longer and more fun.”
…
Seriosuly, how is that even any different from sex? i kind of fail to see the difference.
They both involve going down, but sex is a lot more fun without a mask!
Unless you’re into that kind of thing…
as long as the mask doesn’t cover my ears… When I go down during sex, I breath through them.
:O
But at the same time, you can’t catch STDs from snorkeling…
Generally, you don’t get the bends or nitrogen narcosis from sex…
…which also applies to snorkeling and free diving.
True. It’s those damned tanks that cause the trouble. (In diving, not sex.)
Whereas, in sex, tanks are not a problem? I suppose it could be interesting if they contain nitrous oxide or helium. A bit of light humour…
Nah, light humour is when you turn the lights on, and burst out laughing.
you can still catch crabs
“well, he’s a deep sea diver
he can hold his breath so long..”
A little blues from Bessie Smith.
I know of whenc Bessie sings. I have, on occasion, wished I had a snorkel, while my face was so deep into femininity that breathing was impossible. Fortunately, I’m pretty good at holding my breath.
I just listened to Bessie sing at least 15 verses of th”The Empty Bed Blues” and I got the lyrics wrong. To do her justice:
“He’s a deep sea diver with a stroke that can’t go wrong
He’s a deep sea diver with a stroke that can’t go wrong
He can stay down at the bottom and his wind holds out so long”
‘Cause I’ve got a tongue that’s 10 inches long,
And I’ve learned to breathe through me ears…
(recognise that one, Droll?)
Comment of aproposity!
It’s one of Kev’s, but I don’t think I’ve got a copy. What’s the title of that one? It’s not Kev’s Courtin’ Song….
Herpes on the mouthpiece? With aromatic herbs and end butter?
If the previous snorkeler left aromatic herpes end butter on the mouthpiece, you could get infected!
you might get eaten by a shark though
What about smorking?
and tout
And smorked tout.
Very expensive stuff, but lovely in a word salad.
This is an awesome sign, sure, but is it really Engrish? The grammar is pretty good, with a couple spelling errors of “snorkeling”.
so at the bottom of the sign “Sex Snorkeling” doesn’t count as engrish ?
It says “If you enjoy sex you’ll love snorkeling” – try to learn to read^^
try to see what time I wrote this at ^^
Try to see what time Dingsda replied rofl. Not long after you did.
Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with the English. It should have been on Fail Blog instead. LOL
Agreed.
But with an EPIC WIN tag.
+1
divide the result by an infinity!
engrish is a subset of fail, since everything spoken, written or done incorrectly is obviously a failure in some manner
its like saying is engrish substratum or an ontological category
the answer is both
But… but… This is an EPIC WIN! And they are even right…
Remember to be safe
You’re right; this isn’t Engrish. I don’t think it’s a Fail either.
Fail Blog has Wins, too. >.>
It’s neither. It must be the sign in the lobby of Mr. J’s establishment offering snorkeling lessons.
Maybe it’s a WINgrish?
It lolz. It rolls. I once advised people to laugh first, ask questions later. I think I’ll revise this to laugh first, make a funny comment, laugh second, make another funny comment, and then, maybe, ask questions!
Wonder what he thinks someone who has performed oral secks would come back as!
I think it can be romantic, and as to its politeness, I consider it a very thoughtful gift!
Not f*rting during the performance has to be considered polite. Or maybe just a survival tactic.
I keep a jar of Beano around whenever I eat a dinner that has natural gas producing potential and I am hoping for some intimacy after dinner. The stuff works for me. I mean, THE STUFF WORKS!! SAVE YOURSELF FROM EMBARASSING SITUATIONS!!! Oh, shuddup Billy. And go towards the light.
Replace the word “Snorkeling” with “MMORPG” and there would be some that would agree with this statement : P
This is just an awesome ad-WIN
The staff there is all virgins I tell ya.
truth
AD-WIN.
I can think of a few situations in bed where I definitely could have used a snorkel.
And maybe someone to massage my jaw afterwards.
Somewhere there must be a manual for tongue exercises to strengthen the muscle and increase its endurance.
Oddly enough, How To Do It articles of the type you are requesting pop up in those terribly high brow peer-reviewed journals that I read from time to time in the doctor’s or dentist’s waiting room. They have titles like “Cleo” and “Cosmo” and “New Woman” and “Of Course You’re Fat And Ugly”. The articles are touted as being “show this to your man” articles, in which case I would’ve thought that it would make more sense to put it in magazines aimed a men (like Alpha, Ralph, FHM, and Who Are You Kidding You Beer-Gutted Loser). Maybe a woman is supposed to take the magazine, roll it up, and beat an underperforming man over the head with it, shouting “Read this, you selfish ignorant #&$^, and when you’ve finally got a clue come and get me, I’ll be outside with the pool boy, who incidentally can write the alphabet in Roman, Cyrillic and Sanscrit with his tongue, AND he does hiragana too”…
ROTFL! This is a splendid example of your sharp wit.
Oh, and I used to subscribe to Who Are You Kidding, You Beer-Gutted Loser, but I decided it was much too highbrow for my taste.
An adult version of those books they make for kids, with lots of little gum-backed stickers to lick and stick. Turning the pages with your tongue helps, too.
You sure will need one if youre with me.
Ya, this isn’t Engrish. And it isn’t a Fail. This is sort of like a Win. It rocks, but don’t know where it should go.
Rocks belong in a quarry. FYI.
Ok I’m sold.
This ad has convinced me.
I’ve never done it, and as the ad says, I’m a little nervous. But I hope it will turn out well. I think with the proper teaching, I can learn to do it quickly enough – even if I do it wrong the first time.
It’s decided. I’ll go for it.
I’m going to take up sex.
I just hope I’m no to old to start at my age though.
+1!!!
Don’t do it, I heard it’s addictive.
Having secks can be, obviously, very physically pleasurable. But making love–that is, having secks with someone you really are in love with–is an experience not to be missed.
What if you’re asexual and don’t believe in love?
Please see Mr. J and report back. I want to know what he does with that.
Duh, it’s obvious. You get the best result possible; no kids at all!
Of all the sexual deviations, the strangest by far is asexuality. No offense…
And as far as believing in love, it happens. Believe me. It doesn’t come to everybody, and maintaining it over the long term is very difficult. I’m trying to remember who it was that said something to the effect of, if you have accomplished great things but have not loved, you cannot make a claim to true excellence.
Can snorkeling be substituted for love? I do love snorkeling! and the rest of the description fits.
There are many kinds of love, and generally speaking the more types a person experiences, the happier they are. But there is something special about being “in love” with another person for which there is no substitute.
Yeah, I’d take those great things and be content, regardless of what the unknown quote originator thinks.
Good luck with that. Most of us have a need to share our lives with a special someone, which is very different from the fear of being alone, because I believe that one has to be comfortable with oneself to truly and deeply love another.
As long as you’re polite. You really don’t want a lady-boy, do you?
I don’t know what possible use I could have for a lady-boy. Not being polite hasn’t been a problem thus far, however. This is fortunate, as I am somewhat incapable of being polite.
Sex means never bothering to say you’re sorry?
Especially not to the lady-boys.
asexuals can love. they just dont experience sexual attraction.
As I said, there are many different kinds of love, and most do not involve secksuality. But I’ve known several essentially asexual people, and I’ve never heard a report of their having been “in love,” like most of us experience it. Of course, being “in love,” seen from an objective viewpoint, could be called a form of insanity, so whether they are better or worse off is a matter for the philosophers to decide.
WIN!
How about snorkeling and sex at the same time? That would bring in the tourists!
“Dive” magazine used to run an for t-shirts that said “Dive naked, everything looks bigger underwater!”
Well I thought it was funny.
DANGER, DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!!! BEING IN COOL TO COLD WATER IS KNOWN TO CAUSE DRAMATIC SHRINKAGE!!!
The rational brain knows that there is no need for unnecessary heat loss and recalls all blood flow and causes shrinkage. The irrational sexually driven brain will override the rational brain with blood flow demand and the cold will stimulate and fill it even more to motivate the rest of the body into heat generating activity.
And then there’s always those little blue pills…
Frankly, you had no business taking that before we got into the dive boat, John…
Hey, you said were into deep relationships, so I just figured…
Caution: Sitings of the p1ssed off p1ssed on flushed toilet shark have been reported. Snorkel or dive only at your own risk. Carry pudding or ice cream in your dive kit to distract it while escaping.
Numerous toilet sharks have been sighted at those sites.
Yes, yes, as many people as possible should try sewer snorkelling. If you like a civilised urinating, you’ll love sewer snorkelling!
If I encounter a toilet shark, there will probably be urinating, but I doubt it will be civilized.
Just throw this Hida bust pudding toward its mouth and swim calmly and quickly to the boat. They will swim along side and let you scratch their belly. Only who know this taste can really appreciate it.
*smiles winningly and flutters eyelashes in a cute, endearing way…* oh, damn, it’s just impossible to do that when you have cold, dead eyes… sob…it’s a tough gig being a toilet shark, nobody’s head is ever going to asplode from the cyoot…
Cuteness isn’t everything. You have respect, which no fluffy little kitten is ever going to have. You are the the toilet shark, strong, proud and you haz scary teeth = everyone respects you. And remember, cuteness lasts until the first time the kitteh meows for two hours outside your bedroom door because they want to play cat hockey. Replaceable teeth are forever.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
*bursts into tears, and circles the bowl gratefully, vowing never to gnaw on holly’s leg ever again, even if it’s coated in ice-cream*
Which flavors should I stock in my dive bag?
Toilet sharks like just about all the more common flavours of ice-cream or pudding, although they are not terribly keen on anything with coffee in it. However, no matter it is, the toilet shark will be instantly distracted as it goes to investigate. Rum & raisin ice-cream will make even the grumpiest toilet shark forget completely about gnawing on limbs, and start to circle excitedly.
I know better than to caffeinate a toilet shark.
I’d be more concerned about DEcaffeinating a toilet shark! Take away my coffee and see how grumpy I get!
Just want to declare for the record that Dr Handle had the respect of many of us, long before she became toilet shark, for her very formidable sense of humor.
I’m a f@g!
Aaaaaand after this brief announcement, we are happy to return to our regular Engrish. Thanks for watching!
Watch out – someone might try to smork you, if they can keep you lit for long enough.
Eeeek!
*Pushes eject button*
Boooooing!
*Ejects out of thread for own safety*
So then you’ve been onna otaka?
Those of you fluent in Japanese, feel free to post my mangling on any equivalent website.
The problem here is that we don’t have a WIN blog.
WIN goes on FAILblog, ironically.
Polite sex gets son.
Romantic sex gets daughter.
Underwater sex gets sealion.
♫ Sea Lion Woman, see lie
She drank coffee, see lie
She drank tea, see lie
And the rooster crows, see lie… ♫
Not fail or engrish, there should be a WINblawg nao.
magnificent, epic, glorious WIN ^^
I smell a WIN.
Hmm… I’ve never thought of comparing sex and snorkeling. Mainly because they are nothing alike.
Perhaps your technique is off.
That’s right Cyus. You should try going deeper.
…. er…. wait….
First of all, ha, sexual implications.
Second of all, if you try to go deeper in snorkeling, water fills up the tube, and you’re like BLUAUUARGHRGH!
Snokerling is so hot.
I’ve never tried snokerling (is that anything like snorkeling?), but since I quit drinking I generally avoid experiences that make me go, “BLUAUUARGHRGH!”
WIN !!!!!!!!! meow
Is this really Engrish? There aren’t many errors. It’s just really funny.
This public service announcement brought to you by Snorkel Manufacturers Association International and Penthouse Magazine.
I guess you’ll be sleeping with the fishes, then.
You are all under arrest for over-punning! Cease and desist immediately or face the consequences!
Never! It’s the underpunning of this whole site! (Excuse my NZ accent)
Underpunning makes the hole cite moody.
And then AIDS and die i guess
Love it! Man, I’m missing my homeland..
soooooo….. SNORKELLING can also result to HYPERSEXUALITY?
Go MAlaysia!! Hahaha!
Now I really want to try snorkling.
God, I’m so lonely. D;
Where are you gonna snorkel with all that snow on the ground…..WTF?!
Heya i?m for the primary time here. I found this board and I find It really useful & it helped me out much. I hope to offer one thing again and aid others such as you helped me.
Heya beano… Hum… It’s great that we helped you out. Our pleasure. Please come back a secondary time.
To the picture: Not bad english – gooooooood marketing.
Grade A stuff. I’m unquetisobnaly in your debt.