ALMOND
It’s delicious cake you have never met
Submitted by: Jessica via Engrish Funny Submissions
Japanese candy
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The cake is a lie
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It is generally considered rude to eat somethig you have actually been properly introduced to.
If I ever meet a cake, I would usually skip the introduction and eat it.
The cake is a lie. That’s why I didn’t bother meeting it.
Portal quote WIN!!!1!!
Agree!
There really was a cake.
So I heard.
I’d really like to play Portal at home, but I can’t justify the purchase of a Play Box or X Station or whatever just for that. It’s one of the few computer games that ever interested me.
You do realize you don’t need a console to play the PC version, right?
Yes, but *waiting for the mac version* *sigh*
Thank you very much Doko and Zach.
I lost the game!
win!
I dunno…it looks vaguely familiar. I may have actually met this cake…can we see a profile?
Would a cross-section help? Here- Oh, and I’ll take this half.
Thanks for the assistance friend, but now that I’ve seen the side view I don’t actually know the cake. I guess they’re right after all.
*eats cake*
It may be a sign of my prejudice, but cakes all tend to look alike to me!
0_______________o no…wait… Must…restrain… He IS a Yankees fan after all… His taste in cakes must equal his taste in sports…
Absolutely! No team can hold a candle to the Yankees, and no cake is a rival of chocolate. I just appreciate excellence!
Oh come on! Chocolate is so BORING! If you want a REAL chocolate cake, try black forest. Carrot cake is great too. Then again, have you seen “Cake Boss?” Now THOSE are CAKES!
Blasphemy!!!! Chocolate BORING??? Rain fire down upon his head, Ye Gods of Cacao!!!
Devil’s-food cake with morello cherries! *drools*
It’s either Black Mesa or White Forest, pick one.
For chocolate, white is anathema! I’ll go with the Black Mesa.
Dude didn’t get the reference. I’d go with Black Mesa, but don’t forget the crowbar.
It’s rather like the old saw about the tree falling in the forest, whether it makes a sound if no one is there to hear it. So can a cake be delicious if I never met it???
Define “sound” (no, seriously. That’s the answer.)
Whether that is the answer depends on what the definition of “is” is.
If you do not meet the cake, someone else will. So cake will be delicious for them, but not for you. You are too late for cake. Cake has all been eaten. Cake is all gone. For you, THERE IS NO CAKE.
Be proactive. Use a new chainsaw, Make noise. Make it fall. Listen to the sound. When you see a fallen tree, you will always have that sight and sound with you, while others only have silence and no experience to recall. Cake is only adequate. Pie is delicious.
Pudding is adequate, delicious and necessary. No pudding, no life!
I’m probably a bit late to point out that, if you use an old saw, you may never hear the tree fall. But I did, so there!
I did what you saw there!
I saw what you sawed there.
I was what you sawed there.
Direct pressure, or should I call an ambulance?
Yeah, if you don’t mind directing the pressure, because it’s not quite sure what to do in this scene.
Which part is pressure’s? “Take off shirt and scream” or “act distressed, bleed and moan”? I’ve seen pressure shirtless and I’ve seen pressure’s acting. I’m calling the ambulance.
Pressure can’t act, so now he wants to direct. He’s ruining everything because no one acts well under Pressure.
If Pressure gets a casting couch, a lot more actors will be under Pressure.
Don’t pressure luck with these puns, or you can expect pressure from the DPHF!
Pressure bought a horse and is in a jumping competition with DPHF. There is no rush because we don’t expect Pressure to finish.
The horse doesn’t like competing under Pressure and dropped and rolled over him. Pressure didn’t like being under CounterPressure of Flatly.
No, Rush didn’t do “Pressure.” That was Billy Joel.
Just as soon as I decide how many clonks per square centimetre, you lot are in trouble.
Oh noes! I won’t have a bar of it!
David Bowie and Freddie Mercury did pretty good.
I don’t need to meet cake to know that its delicious
How about fruit cake? Asparagus cake? Squirrel kidney cake?
Squirrel sponge cake?
Try making a sponge cake with nuts in it. All you need is the magic to stop the nuts sinking.
At some point in every man’s life, nuts will sink, so it seems that magic is the only way to stop it.
Fruit cake is not a foodstuff, it is a chemical munition.
I’m glad you still have all your original equipment, but I am concerned if you are getting loaded.
Meat cake doesn’t sound very appealing!
Yeah, but Swangoosestarshimpcake is grand!
Ooops. Swangoosestarshrimpcake, that is!
Swangoosestarshrimp cake is grand, doo dah, doo dah…
You’re not blushing!
I’m blushing on the inside.
Hey, what happened to my beetroot cake? It was right here a minute ago….
Why does it say cake when it’s a package for almonds?!?
Maybe ’cause Mr. Peanut’s been running around saying to all the ladies his is sweeter than a yule log on all his jars.
Truth in pudding! Where have they been pudding those nuts?
Truth in pudding? How can that be, if the cake is pudding.
The cake tells not but lies my friend.
No pudding, No life.
*goes back for second look* You may be right! Unless it’s marzipan.
Well, yes… but I’m still alive!
Oh dear. I’ve experiments to run…
Hi, almond cake. Nice to meet you.
We do what we must because we can.
For the good of all of us…except the ones who are dead.
… and who are staying dead.
It is a position with a lot of job security.
… and the boss can’t sack you for being late!
But you do have to put in lots of extra hours.
Especially the graveyard shift.
I don’t want to meet any delicious cake D=
Well, I haven’t met him personally, but I hear he’s delicious.
Someone beat portal.
I beat it
And half the advanced missions! Good stuff.
I’ve met a lot of almond meal friands and tortes in my life, and enjoyed them a lot; if in fact I haven’t yet really met the truly delicious ones, this is now officially my reason to go on living.
I make amaretto (almond liquor) balls by crushing sugar cookies and adding melted almond bark and amaretto and rolling it in powdered sugar.
Sometimes I melt in white chocolate, also.
Don’t give me any more reasons to stalk you…
There’s no such thing!!! IMO if it doesn’t contain brown cocoa, it ain’t chocolate. There should be another name for that white junk. I even hated it when I was a kid.
BTW what’s almond bark? I can’t imagine eating the stuff peeled off the tree.
White chocolate is cocoa butter and sugar. The brown cocoa has the flavor. Chocolate lust is the body’s response to the fats and sugar. Poor grade chocolates have a higher palm oil and wax content.
Almond bark is almond oil, other vegetable fats and sugar similar to white chocolate used for making candies. Both are like butter, not much by itself, but an ingredient critical to the flavor and texture of th finished product.
I knew that about the chocolate. I’m a keen label reader! I try to avoid any product containing palm oil, as it’s bad for humans and orang-utans. (for different reasons).
I guess I’m a bit of a Chocolate Nazi. I allow cocoa butter, cocoa solids, sugar, maybe some butter oil or milk solids, fruit and nuts, and vanilla or other natural flavour. Not much else.
The “almond bark”-that’s almost Engrish!
I actually like white chocolate, but I agree with you that it’s not really chocolate. For me, chocolate lust is the craving of the brain for the biochemicals in the chocolate.
I’ve definitely turned into a chocolate snob in my maturing years. Lindt or KokoBlack or Haighs is good. Not that Cadbury or Nestle muck.
Lindt 85%……Mmmm! *heads for pantry*
I’m a chocolate slut! I appreciate fine chocolate but will eat any kind.
I’m chocolate trailor-trash. Not only can I not afford the good stuff because I’m too lazy to earn the money for it, but my favorite chocolate of all time is *gasp!* Milk Chocolate Hershey Bars!
*trailer-trash
Worst chocolate I ever tried was Dove brand. I don’t know if it’s sold in the US; I’m amazed it’s still sold here!
It is. I actually like it all right (yes, I have already confessed that I am a chocolate slut!).
YOU”RE KIDDING! They must have changed something. I remember it as sickly-sweet and gritty!
I missed the bit about “Chocolate lust is the body’s response to the fats and sugar.” Either that’s wrong, or with me , it’s not lust.
Chocolate is better than lust.
Now there’s a thought, but an 18 Certificate thought!
Delicious cake needs no introduction, you must eat it.
You can’t have your cake and meet it too.
The cake surely is a lie. But what about pie? Pie even rhymes with lie. Is the pie a lie?
The cake is a lie seeing how its made with almonds.. but if it were a delicious chocolate cake, then it is not a lie, is it?
Maybe it’s a eunuch cake, and they only lied about the nuts!
But if a fruitcake lies about the nuts, it’s not responsible for its behavior, since everyone knows fruitcake is a synonym for crazy! So even a fruitcake without nuts IS nuts!
portal and wow references lost…
but as a baker, I must admit almond is very useful. i make a lot of almond sponge cakes and a lot of almond paste to make macaroons and such.. yet to me its all gross.. nuts in desserts just don’t sit right with me.. but some nuts in my thai food = AMAZING
/covers ears waiting for the obligatory nuts comments to follow
Well, then that’s something we have in common: both our jobs would be tough without nuts around!
You’re welcome.
What about spices?
Doesn’t do much for my practice!
Yes, always leave spices between your words.
Is there a way to make a sponge cake with coarsely chopped almonds so they don’t all sink? Or do they need to be powder or paste?
I’ll try adding nuts to almost any food where I think it might work. Just found out I love spaghetti bolognese with walnuts.
Nuts crazy and soaked in booze.
I made that diagnosis just the other day!
Anyways this cake is great
it’s so delicious and moist
There is no point crying over every mistake
you just keep on trying ’till you run out of cake
And the science gets done
and you make a neat gun
for the people who are
still alive!
I’m not even angry
I’m being so sincere right
now
Even though you broke my heart
and killed me.
And made me die
Because people die when they are killed
You start singing “MacArthur’s Park” then I’m going to get in touch with Luka Brazzi.
PORTAL REFERENCE!
I know someone whose cake spoke to her. I understand it put quite a damper on her desire to eat it.
In any case, if there’s even a possibility of meeting the cake, I’m not interested.
Cake or death?
Both! Death by chocolate cake!
I got a free dessert at a restaurant once; there was this chocolate extravaganza called Death By Chocolate, and after I’d inhaled the one I ordered, I claimed that I’d been gypped because I was still alive. I demanded that they keep bringing me chocolate desserts until I died. They were so impressed to see someone eat a whole Death By Chocolate by themselves that I got a second one for free. And ate that one all by myself too. Their expressions were priceless.
For my birthday, my wife bakes me a cake, and I always ask for the same one: a chocolate cake with fudge and chocolate chips and chocolate icing, which I then top with chocolate ice cream. My wife complains that this is “too much chocolate.” I inform her that this is an oxymoron.
Of course! There’s no such thing as too much chocolate!
it is a delicous cake
One 18.25 ounce package chocolate cake mix.
One can prepared coconut pecan frosting.
3/4 cup vegetable oil.
Four large eggs.
One cup semi-sweet chocolate chips.
3/4 cups butter or margarine.
1 2/3 cups granulated sugar.
Two cups all purpose flower. (note, it says flower, not flour)
Don’t forget garnishes such as:
Fish shaped crackers.
Fish shaped candies.
Fish shaped solid waste.
Fish shaped dirt.
Fish shaped ethyl benzene.
Pull and peel licorice.
Fish shaped organic compounrs and sediment shaped sediment.
Candy coated peanut butter pieces. Shaped like fish.
One cup lemon juice.
Alpha resins.
Unsaturated polyester resin.
Fiberglass surface resins.
And volatile malted milk impoundments.
Nine large egg yolks.
Twelve medium geosynthetic membranes.
One cup granulated sugar.
An entry called ‘how to kill someone with your bare hands.’
Two cups rhubard, sliced.
2/3 cups granulated rhubarb.
One tablespoon all-purpose rhubarb.
One teaspoon grated orange rhubarb.
Three tablespoons rhubarb, on fire.
One cross borehole electro-magnetic imaging rhubarb.
Two tablespoons rhubarb juice.
Adjustable aluminum head positioner.
Slaughter electric injector.
Cordless electric needle injector.
Injector needle driver.
Injector needle gun.
Cranial caps.
And it contains proven presenatives, deep penetration agents, and gas and odor control chemicals that will deodorize and preserve putrid tissue.
The cake would be consumed swiftly and without mercy, way before it had time to scream, wuhaha.
Uh oh. Somebody cut the cake! I told them to wait for you, but they cut it anyway. There is still some left if you hurry back.
But I don’t like that flavor!
Portal quote, i think so!!
I’m doing science and I’m still alive.
There really is a cake at the end of portal!!
Title WIN!