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Step 1
Gather hair into a right ponytail at nope of nedk
Step 2
Firmly twist ponytail to the right while pulling up toward the ceiling
Step 3
Hold end of ponytail with right hand. Cun rwist with left hand-keeping fngers f*cked inside
via Engrish Funny Submissions. Submitted by: Sara L
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Cheezburger Company Blog
anti first patrol saves the day
*sigh*
at least try to make an amusing comment about the picture.
why do ppl hate it when someone says first so much?
Poor pony!
(or lucky?)
You need a lot of hands for that! I’d volunteer to be one of the hands…
Speaking of which, did you hear the one about the rancher who couldn’t keep his hands off his beautiful young wife? Yeah, it got so bad he had to fire them all!
good thing he didn’t crap them together
Actually, that’s what he used to shoo them out the door, his crap’n hands!
Shoulda used his cun rwist
He was saving that for the tails of his ponies.
Is that is Wales?
T’is contagious! Shoulda have writ “in”
I’m trying to figure out what the “nope” of the neck is. Is it that part about which the head rotates when, say, my wife is responding to my request for sexual activity?
It’s the nape of the neck.
Nope. That’s the “not-tonight-I-have-headache”.
You said nope! After 22 years of marriage, my wife no longer feels a need to offer a reason why. Just nope.
Abandon nope, all ye who enter hair!
I’d personally prefer it if those who are entered would abandon nope!
They have to abandon nope before you can enter. I hope.
Most certainly!!! Even back in the days of prehistory when I was a young lad, and the standing societal mythos held that males were supposed to “seduce” females, I never saw any point in going on with someone unless they wanted it as much as I did, if not more. If she’s not into it, I’m not into her! Now all these years later, I take it even further: I think having sex is a waste of time and not worth the risks. Making love, on the other hand, is an experience not to be missed if at all possible.
Dante Alighieri right?
“Abbandonate ogni speranza oh’ voi che entrate”
“Abandon hope, all ye who enter here”
You’re probably right; it makes sense. I knew the quote in English, but not its source.
Thanks to my grossly overeducaked (that’s an inside joke if you’re new here, not a typo) state, I can eliminate the “probably” and state with certainty that yes, that quote’s from Dante’s Inferno.
I sometimes think that we’re probably missing something reading in translation from the original language, although I’m informed that there are some very good translations available. I’ll bet “The Prince” was just great in Middle Italian, and “Beowulf” sounds fabulous in old English.
Ah, don’t be sexist pig. Males like too.
Sure! But for most of us, it depends on whether we get to play Mr. Hand or not.
I do believe Step 1 says a “tight” pony tail, not a “right” one, which does make more sense.
I just tried this.
How quickly I lost interest in the pony-tail…
Oh, don’t string it along just to leave it hanging like that
I thought pony tails were supposed to hang!
But my hairdresser is gay – when I go to see him, all I ever get is a haircut.
And what would you hope to get in addition?
Well, he’s quite good looking – if I wasn’t married, I might not be adverse to having my ponytail twisted.
A gay hairdresser must know some good tricks with a fairy wand.
You don’t know the half of it, dahling…
won’t that give you a twisted PMS?
MY PSM ARE NOT TWISTED!!!!!!
*AND* I NOT HAS A PMS ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
So the PMS you don’t have is not twisted. Now THAT’S twisted!!!
You shouldn’t write him off just because of his sunny disposition!
fingering the ponytail..the pony would get a kick out of it..
If you try it, it might be you that gets the kick.
Step 3: No “i” in fngers, no get fingers in eye.
I’m still trying to figure out how you “cun” your wrist! Anybody “cunning” enough to figure this out?
A cunning stunt, certainly.
*AAAAAARRRRGHH* Off with you to the dreadful Pun Hell…
just doing an impression..
I can has early going home time? YAY! Here’s the wand, you can cover for me. It’s easy, just go “AAAARGH!” and clonk offenders with the wand. *flutters off gratefully to Dreadful Pun Hell*
What is the difference between a beauty pageant and an acrobatic display?
An acrobatic display is a series of cunning stunts.
(Sorry, sorry, so sorry…)
I think they mean “twist” not “wrist”.
Cun twist sounds like a really strange card game!
Somehow cards do not enter my mind at all here…
You didn’t see the “whist” connection? Say cun twist…..
Oh, okay. I see it now. Oops, there it was whisked away!
He’s a ponytail wizard, that has to be a twist/
That ponytail wizard’s got such a cunning wrist!
The Who would laugh.
Believe it or not, I actually have two pair of hairsticks that have directions similar to these (with the same illustrations) but they weren’t in engrish. Pretty sure #3 was meant to read: Twist bun with left hand keeping strands tucked inside with your fingers. I’m too tired to find my version, when I do I’ll post the exact words if anyone is interested.
pretty sure this is an OCR fail, not engrish (optical character recognition, that is). someone probably scanned it, trying to plagiate, and ended up with a severely mutilated version. ah, you gotta love OCR
Obsessive-Compulsive Reorder?
optical character recognition..that’s a person who recognizes people with glasses.
After 6 glasses I have trouble recognising my own face.
I thought that was the definition of a bartender…
Well, I can recognize people without my glasses! I thought that just made me far-sighted.
If I had glasses, I reckon I could identify people with them. Then I’d say “Hey, why are you wearing my glasses?”
If you wore glasses, you probably couldn’t recognize that people were wearing your glasses, without your glasses. And if other people are wearing your glasses, it seems clear you’re not, unless those people are very, very close to you.
After one glass of obsessive-compulsive, I doubt you’d want a second!
Oh yes you would. You’d be compelled to have another….and another… and another…..
No, that’s a glass of alcoholism!
I believe you meant “plagiarize,” not “plagiate,” which, as far as I know, is not an English word. But yeah, I recently discovered my newer home all-in-one scanner will do OCR, which is really quite handy if one is working on a scholastic paper. But you do have to proofread the result carefully!
My impression of what happened here: the fellow…
yes, I’m assuming male, and no, I’m not misogynist (not even growing up with 4 sisters and no brothers) but a male makes this scenario work better. If you don’t like it, insert a feminine pronoun and I won’t get upset. Great, I can’t tell a damn joke anymore without a PC disclaimer. (And by the way, I’m not a misogynist. I hate everybody. I’m a misanthrope.)
Anyways, the fellow who wrote these instructions, who was not concentrating to awfully good anyway, hence “nope” and “nedk” in the first step, had a dvd playing in the background but when it hit the scene where Stoya and Sasha Grey started to hubba-hubba he just lost complete control of his hands and his mind, hence the typing and wording of step 3. The fine folks of Engrish didn’t show us the remaining steps, since this fellow’s hands and mind was nowhere near paying attention to the keyboard.
Sound plausible? If so, I hope you enjoyed my little tail. If not, sorry to have wasted your time. (Sounds like the disclaimer I give after certain interactions with certain ladies…)
I’m not interested in your little tail, but Dr Handle’s hairdresser could be….
Or perhaps Miss Ogynist or Miss Anthrope.
What about those who need a Mac disclaimer? I, for one, am tired of everybody assuming we all have PCs!
Seconded!
Just in case you’re not entirely kidding, and you actually use a Mac, I have just found a menu full of symbols in OSX that will work on this site. Interested?
No, actually I has a PC, both at work and at home. My intent, of course, was to joke, but I do get very tired of people assuming things, even if the assumption is correct and/or has nothing to do with me! So many personal and interpersonal problems arise out of erroneous assumptions, and so few people ever give serious thought to the assumptions they make.
As do I. Amen, Mr. Sloop JohnB. I’m so sick of having to deal with that kind of crap, which started at university (just about all PCs, not many Macs, and it showed, plus I majored in the Humanities, English, specifically, and them Humans weren’t real nice) and continues now on comment things like this. Possibly I was making a gawdawful attempt to make fun of it or head off someone before they assumed I was a sexist bastard since I was one of those pale penis people, though I was shooting for funny. Figured it was better than my usually temper-tantrum….
By the way, I guess ‘puter wise I’m multi-cultural (Lordy please help me). I gots a Mac G4 and different PCs with Windows XP, 98, and, believe or not, 3.1. Since my ‘puter lab is my bedroom, you can imagine there ain’t much room for googling a nice young firefox, so my disk stays floppy and rarely does I get a hard drive. Which probably explains many things.
I think I’m beginning to understand your language a little. It bears some resemblance to English, particularly if I hear it in a country drawl, which isn’t too hard for me since I’ve been living in mostly rural KY and WV going on 35 years. But it’s certainly not standard Appalachianese. You weren’t raised with a twin with whom you shared an idiosyncratic language, by any chance? (Just kidding, of course. But you certainly do have a unique mode of expression…)
I started with Windows 3.1 when I joined the PC age, but I’m glad to be rid of it, frankly! Actually, I started with computers back in the days of IBM punch cards that you ran through a reader on a giant mainframe, and if you had a “big” job that would take a lot of RAM (like 640K was considered “big” back then) you usually needed to wait until about 3AM to run the program or it couldn’t spare the space! And then you’d get a card jammed in the machine and everything would grind to a halt and you’d have to get the card out and hope you could still read it so you could repunch it and put it in the right place in the deck and try again…
I was born and raised, and still live, in the Shenandoah Valley in Virginia, so you ain’t all that far off. Actually, anyone who uses “born and raised” in a sentence is likely to be from the area you’re describing. I was raised in a house in the middle of the boonies where I was the only boy and had 4 sisters, and I was number 4 of the 5 kids, so I spent a lot of time by myself and learned to mumble or keep my own council- perhaps isolation and talking a lot to yourself has the same effect as having a twin with whom you develop your own little language. The drawl has leveled out a bit, but when you read my comments do drag the vowel sounds out some and mozy slightly as you read; I don’t machine-gun it like say a Long Islander. I’ve had a number of friends who speak English as a second language and very much like the way I talk in that I speak slowly enough they can follow, and don’t mind stopping in mid-sentence if they don’t know a word and need me to explain its meaning. I’ve been encouraged to teach ESL by both them and friends who themselves teach Engrish. I do have a very idiosyncratic way of saying things. When I was going to a certain university that’s just over the Blue Ridge from where I am, I used to hang out with folks around the town and not with students- you might have figured that out with my virulently anti-PC tirade, since the university was thick with that crap and I couldn’t stand it; you can’t learn anything or explore anything when everyone, professors, grad students, undergrads all throw up taboos and have hissy fits when you say the “wrong” things; if you play devil’s advocate a lot, or your delivery is very dead pan and you use a lot of irony, you’re dead meat in that environment… but anyways, I digress… One of my constant running buddies was a gentleman from Boston, of very much Irish extraction (very pale, red hair, etc.), plus a Vietnam vet so he was a few years older than I was but I also tended to hang with older folks. We were in a bar shooting the doo-doo, I think he was showing me his notebook where he writes his poetry and I said something, exactly what I do not remember but something in my usual manner, and he started laughing and shaking his head and said that I very definitely had that “Gaelic thing” going… he was teasing me but he also approved, and after I told him to kiss my ass I did understand what he was saying- I didn’t just kiss the Blarney stone, I French kissed it, and it shows (I am of Scots-Irish/Ulster, Scots, and Irish (Aran Islands) descent, so other than Welsh and Frisian, I guess, I got the full Celtic whammy…) I’m smarter than the average bear (got the tests to prove it, though I’ve got no pic-a-nic basket), I read like crazy, watched lots of PBS/BBC documentaries growing up (and still do) which probably not only provided source material but helped level out my drawl, so my mode of expression, means of expression, and subject matter can be very idiosyncratic. Unless you read closely and are also smarter than the average bear (more Yogi than Boo Boo, though Boo Boo’s no slouch) you won’t get the irony, it doesn’t come across well, not on the internets. I’ve had friends who have told me I need to write, preferably fiction and comic at that, and I would, if Melancholia would leave me alone and my Muse would bother to show up once in a while (she’s playing hard to get or is in a huff, I don’t know which), but in the meantime you gets to read my mess and hopefully get a few of my jokes on internet comment sites like this one. I’ll play around on these sites until folks get real freakin’ nasty, then I’ll go play somewheres else (Gawker/Wonkette/Jezebel/Jalopnik/etc. and so on *cough cough wheeze wheeze*)…
My sister, no. 3, the one in line just above me and about 4 years older, got to learn all the fun punch card programming mess when she went to community college for her business associates, I, thank Jehoshaphat, got to miss all of that and started my computer career with WordPerfect 5.0 for DOS. Much less traumatic.
This might be more information than you wanted. Or not enough, I don’t know.
Yes, it was! (And I’ll leave the ambiguity untouched.) I am, incidentally, from Lawn Guyland myself, but escaped from there without a detectable accent. In the 35 years since I have picked up a bit of a drawl and a slightly slower pace…
♫You pour out your heart
And this thread will go on and on ♪♩
Hehe! Sorry about the Celine Dion earworm.☮
Not if you wait patiently until she abandons nope.
Depending on who she is. I know someone who can ride nope a long, long way…
lol keep your fingers ****** inside. LOL it should b tucked…
p.s most of the comments are by JohnB
JOHNB SHUT UP
STFU. DPH, don’t you have a cousin that can clonk this fellow straight off of EngrishFunny.com?